Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Crimes Against Cocktails: Fixing Mario's Mess

By now you may have heard that Mario Batali's What I am Drinking Column is an affront to all that is good and holy about cocktails. Really, New York Times?!?  Clearly they are slacking letting this fool print his disturbed ramblings on his liquid misadventures.  If this is the way this so called world acclaimed chef drinks, I never want to eat his food again.  His drinks lack creativity, proportion or any kind of thought for home drinker.  He is so out of touch, he recommends a Rum that cannot even be bought here in the United States!  His sense of entitlement and privilege just oozes from the page…oh yeah…it is the New York Times after all.  

I am gonna take it upon my self to fix the ugly messes he leaves in that newspaper that used to be known for its taste in All The News Fit To Print.  

What I'm Drinking
Uhg.  Smug Bastard
Grapefruit juice has just the right amount of sweetness to make a stiff drink seem lighter. In cahoots with some Campari, it is sublime. I make my annual and renowned red greyhounds on Sept. 19 to celebrate mutual birthdays with Jimmy Fallon and Michael Symon. Fill highballs with ice and add 1 jigger each Campari and vodka. Then add 2/3 grapefruit juice and 1/3 tonic and help us celebrate.

Ok…This one is not one of the worst.  But it can be better.  It is a universally known fact that both Campari and Tonic were made to go with Gin.  So to have Vodka, in this drinks, seems like a total waste.  Also, name dropping  is already sickly sweet.  I want to know, if as a Chef, Mario uses different categories of measurement.  "Use 1/4 cup flour and a handful of peanuts, 2 oz of olive oil and smidgen of salt"  Come ON!!  What is a Jigger, Mr. Harry Johnson?  And then 2/3 and 1/3 of what?  And you are into gourmet  right?  So you know there are good quality tonics and tonic syrups our there, right?  

Ok.  Here is my revised version of the cocktail catastrophe above.

What I Would Drink Instead
1 1/2 oz Gin
1 1/2 oz Campari
2 oz Grapefruit Juice
2 oz good Tonic

Served tall in a Collins glass with a grapefruit peel garnish.

Now, doesn't that sound better?

This is so crazy, I actually believe most of the posts here: http://drunkmariobatali.tumblr.com

3 comments:

Eileen Charbonneau said...

This one's got bite! Preach it, sister! Speak truth to power!!!

Dad said...

Young lady--There will be a letter in the Times about this in the morning!
Oh..wait. The Times....

Dad said...

Signed..Boca Ratso!